That's My Boy

That's My Boy (R)

Grade: F

• Directed by: Sean Anders
• Produced by: Adam Sandler, Allen Covert, Jack Giarraputo, and Heather Parry
• Screenplay by: David Caspe
• Starring: Adam Sandler (Donald "Donny" Berger), Andy Samberg (Todd Peterson/Hans Solo Berger), Leighton Meester (Jamie Martin), Susan Sarandon (Mary McGarricle), Ciara (Brie), Vanilla Ice (Himself), Milo Ventimiglia (Chad Martin), Rex Ryan (Jim Nance)
• Cinematographer: Brandon Trost
• Music by: Rupert Gregson-Williams
• Studio:  Happy Madison Productions, Relativity Media
• Distributed by: Columbia Pictures
• Released: June 15, 2012
• Running Time: 114 minutes/ 1 hour and 54 minutes
• Language: English

I've been meaning to do this film review for awhile now, but I put it off for so long because of how terrible the film is.  Back in the day, as a child, I loved Adam Sandler films from "Big Daddy", "Happy Gilmore", to "The Wedding Singer".  And while they definitely weren't the best films critically, at least I could always get a few laughs from it, and some quotable material.  Not this time, though.  Like the past few Sandler flicks, which have had a lot more adult humor, this film reeks.  Thankfully, I didn't buy this film, I saw it on my friend's house on demand, but I wish I didn't because now I can't get it out of my mind.

The plot of this film starts with young Donny Berger in 1984, a big shot student who's got the hots for his teacher.  He's living out every kid's fantasy, but gets a welcome surprise when his wish comes true, and he has a sexual relationship with his teacher, getting her pregnant.  She goes to prison, so he is punished by having to raise the child, who grows up being a boy he names Hans Solo Berger.  Fast forward to 2012, Donny is a broke alcoholic, who has to raise $43,000 to the IRS.  Otherwise, he will go to prison like his teacher.  He has no means to get the money besides his son; the problem is, he's changed his name to Todd Peterson, and now they're estranged, so he'll have to find a way to get back into his life.

As I sit here typing, there is nothing positive I can say about this film.  It made me laugh, but lots of terrible films do that, and it didn't make me do it in a good way; it felt dirty throughout.  There was obscenities, terrible dialogue, violence, and cameos from famous people that should have given me a hint that this film was going to stink.  It's disgusting; I don't ever give spoilers, but if you find a guy having sex with a grandmother or his sister funny, then you'll find this film entertaining.  If I had to say anything positive about this film, it's that Leighton Meester, the actress who played Jamie, was attractive.  But other than that, use your brain on something more useful.  I wish I could say more, but there's nothing else to say.  To quote the late great Roger Ebert, Mr. Sandler, "Your movie stinks!"

(500) Days Of Summer

(500) Days Of Summer (PG-13)

Grade: F

• Directed by: Marc Webb
• Produced by: Mason Novick, Jessica Tuchinsky, Mark Waters, Steven J. Wolfe, and Scott G. Hyman
• Screenplay by: Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber
• Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Tom Hansen), Zooey Deschanel (Summer Finn), Geoffrey Arend (McKenzie), Chloe Grace Moretz (Rachel Hansen), Matthew Grey Gubler (Paul), Clark Gregg (Vance), Patricia Belcher (Millie), Rachel Boston (Alison), Minka Kelly (Autumn)
• Cinematographer: Eric Steelberg
• Music by: Mychael Danna and Rob Simonsen
• Distributed by: Fox Searchlight Pictures
• Released: January 17, 2009 (Sundance), August 7, 2009 (US)
• Running Time: 95 minutes/1 hour and 35 minutes
• Language: English

"You weren't wrong, Tom.  You were just wrong about me."

-Summer Finn

He wasn't the only one; I was wrong too.  Zooey Deschanel's character, Summer Finn, says the quote above when she's talking to Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Tom Hansen, after revealing the truth to him following their breakup.  You may think that I'm spoiling some of the plot to you by revealing some of this, but I'm not.  The plot of this film is predictable.  Unfortunately, that's not the only flaw "(500) Days of Summer has".  It has many flaws, and that's what makes it a terrible film.

"(500) Days Of Summer" is about two people: Tom, an architect at a greeting card company, and Summer, a woman who doesn't believe in true love.  The film shows their time spent together over 500 days (like that's clever) in non-linear format, showing the ups and downs of their relationship.  We see them go through the ups and downs all couples go through, from their happiest moments to their arguments, which eventually lead to their breakup.  What happens from there is anticlimactic.

I realize I didn't say much about the plot, but that's because I don't think this film has much plot.  To be honest, this film doesn't have much of anything in it, besides a lot of fluff.  "(500) Days Of Summer" received acclaim from critics and audiences alike, but I can't see why that's the case.  The film has unlikeable characters, music blaring throughout the film (which is distracting), with a plot that is completely predictable and humorless.  When it comes to romance films, usually people hate them because of their predictability and cheesiness, but they give this a pass?  It doesn't make sense! 

Even looking at some of positive things people had to say of the film, like "it was realistic" or "Tom and Summer look good together", how could they think this?!  Sure, it's realistic that relationships are looked back on in non-linear format, but it's not realistic for a grown man to ask for love advice from his kid sister!  As for the characters, they're not realistic because they're both attractive, so I have a hard time believing they would struggle meeting somebody like real people would.  Also, their personalities made them completely unlikable.  Tom's a cynical asshole, while Summer is a fickle woman.  I honestly wish neither of them found happy endings, but we all know how these types of films have to end.

As you're reading this, you probably think I'm a monster and cynical, but watch the film, and I think you'll agree.  Personally, I've tried numerous times to ask a woman out, and have failed many times.  I saw things I did duplicated in this film, but I didn't feel sorry for the characters for the reasons I stated above.  When a film has this much wrong with it, it's hard to give a damn about it, which is how I feel about "(500) Days Of Summer".

In hindsight, "(500) Days Of Summer" never had a chance to succeed for me because I had high expectations of the film, as well as my own preconceived notion of love.  If you come into the film with an open mind, and believe love is what's shown on the screen, then you may like this, but I think anyone who's like me won't like this film because there are just better films and love stories.  Some of the critics said this film was like "Annie Hall" or "When Harry Met Sally", which are two classic love/romance films.  "(500) Days Of Summer" is like them, but only because it copies scenes from them.  It isn't original, it's just actors and actresses re-acting the scenes hoping to get some reaction.  The way this film is, I'd rather see a "Twilight" film for romance because at least Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson fit together in terms of paleness.  It's harsh, but it's the truth.  "(500) Days Of Summer" is titled what it is, but it should honestly be called (500) Days of Crap or (500) Days Of Hell because I never want to spend 95 minutes watching this film again for any reason.  If you want a real romance watch "Annie Hall", "Casablanca", "Manhattan", "When Harry Met Sally", etc, cause this film should hibernate for all seasons forever.