Butterflies in My Stomach

A few days ago, I briefly mentioned that one of the biggest and most memorable things that happened to me the past summer was having a romantic interest, again.  It's nothing new for me, or anyone, since just about everyone likes someone at some point in their lives.  And the way our culture is now, with apps and social media, there are more ways than ever to connect.  But this time, something was different.  Besides being attracted to her right away (which usually never happens), and thinking she was the most beautiful/gorgeous woman I've ever seen (I still think this), I had butterflies for her.  The first time ever that I ever had that for anyone.  And even though things are sadly over, I'm still perplexed at what they are, and why I got them for her and no one else, before? 

Because of the questions I had, I did lots of research on butterflies the past few weeks and months through forums and asking others, and have come up with the conclusion that butterflies are a nervous, tingly, feeling a person gets in their stomach and body when they're around someone they like.  Usually they happen initially or at the "honeymoon stage", but they supposedly disappear over time.  That's the gist of it anyways, and I think that is an accurate description, because whenever I was around the girl/woman I liked, I had butterflies like crazy.  I've been nervous around women I have liked before, but I had never had that mix of nervousness to the point I had for this girl.  It was something I had never felt before, and it caused me to feel like it was brand new, again, which in some ways, it was.  Because I've liked girls/women before, but we usually knew each other previously through school or through a mutual friend, so it was a lot easier to interact, while for this, it was one of the most challenging experiences I've ever had.  I looked as butterflies as a double edged sword, since they were positive because of the feelings they gave me, but being so nervous did hold me back at times when I tried to make a move.  More often times than not, I was left disappointed at myself for not doing something at all or sooner, but I've learned that these things can't be rushed, or they happen.  No need to beat yourself up, they happen, just keep on trying.

In the end, my experience was what it was.  Because of circumstances, like I said, more likely than not, it's over.  I feel proud for trying and putting myself out there, because if you've ever asked someone out or tried to tell them how you feel, then you know how difficult it is.  But I can't help feeling sad that things are incomplete.  I did like this girl/woman a lot, and really did want to get to know her, but I guess it's hard when they're already seeing someone.  And in the culture we live in with dating vs. seeing vs. exclusivity, nothing is defined anymore; it's just so confusing.  The thing about butterflies to me is that they don't just give you the feeling of liking someone, they give you hope.  And my love life has been such a struggle, I've never even been on a date, before, so I guess the potential of not just being with, but knowing someone I thought was amazing and not getting that chance, is so disappointing.  Butterflies might be a hindrance to some, but it's nice to know when you've given up on love, like I have, that you can still feel that way for someone, and of course, meet someone special in the process.  I guess that's why it is so difficult to move on or do anything.  But I would never change that or give it up, because the feeling of butterflies are unique and this girl/woman was the only person to ever make me feel this way. 

I have no doubt that if nothing changes, I'll probably move on and like someone else again.  We all do, but I never want to forget this feeling, since it was a real growing experience for me.  As someone who has been on the opposite side of rejections so many times, I wish there was some way both parties could mutually benefit each other, but I know that's impossible.  Someone has to get heartbroken.  So while I'm sad that I may never get to experience anything with a girl/woman who I considered my dream girl, I'm grateful to have just met her, interact with her, and to have had butterflies. 

Soap Opera Tragedy

I've watched lots of TV over the years, but one thing I can't understand is the fascination with soap operas.  They're hard to define, but to me, they're shows with amateur actors and lots of melodrama about things that don't make sense with relationships, secrets, etc.  The first time I was exposed to soap operas was when my sisters constantly used to watch Days of Our Lives and Passions after school.  And while they were interesting because of their plot, that's about the only positive I could say about it besides the fact they usually had good looking casts.  The plot, while interesting, was terrible, the music didn't add anything, and the effects on some of the shows were so unbelievable, that they made me question if I was watching an Ed Wood film.

As time progressed, my feelings about soap operas began to change because of shows like The O.C.  They had similar issues as other soap operas, but at the time, something about it seemed different.  The cast was good looking, but seemed rugged.  And the plot, while unbelievable at times, at least seemed like it could happen to real people, compared to what I used to watch on Days of Our Lives and Passions.  With time, I eventually stopped watching the O.C., but eventually began to miss it as time passed by.  Once I re-watched it again though, I understood why I stopped.  It just wasn't that good anymore.

Now, with my sisters being home, I've been exposed to Degrassi; a show that isn't really a soap opera, but seems like it with how long it's been on the air and the ridiculousness of it.  I haven't seen enough episodes to really critique it (because why would I), but I hate the fact these shows exist!  They might be entertaining to viewers, but they're a waste of time.  What merit do they have?  Do they teach any morals?  I remember coming home from school as a child and being able to find quality TV programming that was either educational or taught lessons I could use in real life.  But now, it's all this soap opera garbage, which is the biggest tragedy out of all of this.   

What People Want

My Psychology and Women class did an activity a few weeks ago that was minor, but left a huge impression on me.  It was this activity called 5 for 5, where my teacher asks us 5 questions in 5 minutes which we have to answer as best we can.  Most of the time, the questions were standard, like what did you think of class, or do you have any thoughts/concerns about the class, but one question she asked really stuck out to me.  What are the three most important things to you about relationships?  Now, because we had been learning about Intimate Partner Violence, this was a touchy subject with lots of information new to me.  But it also stood out because of how I feel about love, which is idealistic and optimistic; it didn't always used to be like that though, especially with my struggles and how I've seen others handle it.  This was a minor question, but it was something that required a lot of thought.

I thought long and hard about the question for a few seconds, with countless words going through my head: honesty, love, communication, friendship, effort, trust, equality, happiness, etc. among others.  If it were possible, I would have listed all of them, but I could only pick three, which was not an easy thing to do.  I knew things like honesty and love had to be there, but things like communication and happiness intertwined.  It was not easy to do, but in the end, I picked love, honesty, and effort as the most important things in a relationship in that order.  Putting love first could be seen as negative to some, but I meant love in the sense that it was important for someone to actually have feelings and care about you as a person, which mixes in with many things.  Honesty speaks for itself, and things like communication and trust went with effort.  I handed in my answers feeling okay, but then instantly wondered if I had made a mistake.  Then again, how can you make a mistake on how you feel?

A few weeks later, the results were read for what both men and women thought was necessary for a relationship.  I forget the women's first choice, but honesty and sense of humor made their top 3, which I thought was brilliant and amazing, since sense of humor is something I think about all the time that seems obvious, yet it didn't even cross my mind once.  For the men, they picked love, honesty, and communication, which startled everyone in the class.  Now, the results may not seem shocking since obviously a lot of people thought the same things were necessary, but because of what we've been learning in our class, it would seem as though most people desire something sexual or artificial in a relationship, but we proved that relationships were changing with the times, and that some men and women wanted the same things now compared to before.

I've thought about everything in depth since then, and still wonder what the most important things are to a relationship, but I honestly think there isn't one answer.  It's a variety of answers, like the ones I listed before since many people want different things.  But while we all want a number different things, one thing I think we can all agree on is that we all want to be happy and help make the people we love and care about happy as well. 

What do you think though?  Are there things you value in more in a relationship than others?  And do you seem similarities between what men and women want, or do you think they are different?

Fading Love?

One line from Woody Allen's masterpiece "Annie Hall" is when he's walking on the street asking people why his girlfriend Annie did what she did?  People give various answers, but one I always remember is a woman saying "love fades", which Woody Allen's character Alvy Singer finds depressing.  And looking back on that moment too, I find it depressing if that's the case.  To me, love is one of the most beautiful things in the world, and something I still want to discover fully in life, whether via relationships, through my writing, etc.  If it does fade, I wonder why it's as important or why others try so hard for it?  It's nothing that can ever be solved, but I guess it's just something that's on my mind tonight.

What do you guys think?  Do you think love fades, or do you think it can last forever?