A few days ago, I briefly mentioned that one of the biggest and most memorable things that happened to me the past summer was having a romantic interest, again. It's nothing new for me, or anyone, since just about everyone likes someone at some point in their lives. And the way our culture is now, with apps and social media, there are more ways than ever to connect. But this time, something was different. Besides being attracted to her right away (which usually never happens), and thinking she was the most beautiful/gorgeous woman I've ever seen (I still think this), I had butterflies for her. The first time ever that I ever had that for anyone. And even though things are sadly over, I'm still perplexed at what they are, and why I got them for her and no one else, before?
Because of the questions I had, I did lots of research on butterflies the past few weeks and months through forums and asking others, and have come up with the conclusion that butterflies are a nervous, tingly, feeling a person gets in their stomach and body when they're around someone they like. Usually they happen initially or at the "honeymoon stage", but they supposedly disappear over time. That's the gist of it anyways, and I think that is an accurate description, because whenever I was around the girl/woman I liked, I had butterflies like crazy. I've been nervous around women I have liked before, but I had never had that mix of nervousness to the point I had for this girl. It was something I had never felt before, and it caused me to feel like it was brand new, again, which in some ways, it was. Because I've liked girls/women before, but we usually knew each other previously through school or through a mutual friend, so it was a lot easier to interact, while for this, it was one of the most challenging experiences I've ever had. I looked as butterflies as a double edged sword, since they were positive because of the feelings they gave me, but being so nervous did hold me back at times when I tried to make a move. More often times than not, I was left disappointed at myself for not doing something at all or sooner, but I've learned that these things can't be rushed, or they happen. No need to beat yourself up, they happen, just keep on trying.
In the end, my experience was what it was. Because of circumstances, like I said, more likely than not, it's over. I feel proud for trying and putting myself out there, because if you've ever asked someone out or tried to tell them how you feel, then you know how difficult it is. But I can't help feeling sad that things are incomplete. I did like this girl/woman a lot, and really did want to get to know her, but I guess it's hard when they're already seeing someone. And in the culture we live in with dating vs. seeing vs. exclusivity, nothing is defined anymore; it's just so confusing. The thing about butterflies to me is that they don't just give you the feeling of liking someone, they give you hope. And my love life has been such a struggle, I've never even been on a date, before, so I guess the potential of not just being with, but knowing someone I thought was amazing and not getting that chance, is so disappointing. Butterflies might be a hindrance to some, but it's nice to know when you've given up on love, like I have, that you can still feel that way for someone, and of course, meet someone special in the process. I guess that's why it is so difficult to move on or do anything. But I would never change that or give it up, because the feeling of butterflies are unique and this girl/woman was the only person to ever make me feel this way.
I have no doubt that if nothing changes, I'll probably move on and like someone else again. We all do, but I never want to forget this feeling, since it was a real growing experience for me. As someone who has been on the opposite side of rejections so many times, I wish there was some way both parties could mutually benefit each other, but I know that's impossible. Someone has to get heartbroken. So while I'm sad that I may never get to experience anything with a girl/woman who I considered my dream girl, I'm grateful to have just met her, interact with her, and to have had butterflies.
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